A *real* Bat (or Bar) Mitzvah celebration
I'm so delighted to read about a Bat (or Bar) Mitzvah celebration in which no one says a word about the color scheme or the theme. Theme? She's/he's becoming a Bat/Bar Mitzvah--that's the theme!
Speaking of the current over-the-top Bar and Bat Mitzvah "scene," mystery solved?
". . . there is no religious significance in lighting candles at a bnei mitzvah celebration.
How candle-lighting ceremonies grew into an integral ritual in many communities is speculated upon. Enterprising caterers are said to have originated the custom in the 1950’s as a mix between the birthday cake candle and aliyah-like feel of calling people up to light."
An integral ritual? Sorry, but my idea of an integral ritual for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is reading Torah and/or chanting a haftarah and/or leading all or part of a service and/or giving a d'var Torah/Torah discussion and/or doing a tzedakah/charity or chesed/community-service project. In my opinion, it's poor role-modeling for the parents to waste money on a "theme" when those funds could be put to far better use.
Speaking of the current over-the-top Bar and Bat Mitzvah "scene," mystery solved?
". . . there is no religious significance in lighting candles at a bnei mitzvah celebration.
How candle-lighting ceremonies grew into an integral ritual in many communities is speculated upon. Enterprising caterers are said to have originated the custom in the 1950’s as a mix between the birthday cake candle and aliyah-like feel of calling people up to light."
An integral ritual? Sorry, but my idea of an integral ritual for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is reading Torah and/or chanting a haftarah and/or leading all or part of a service and/or giving a d'var Torah/Torah discussion and/or doing a tzedakah/charity or chesed/community-service project. In my opinion, it's poor role-modeling for the parents to waste money on a "theme" when those funds could be put to far better use.
posted by Shira Salamone at 10:35 AM
12 Comments:
Well, I have mixed feelings on the entire way we do it.
In the Orthodox world, the Bar Mitzvah "makes sense." We actually do expect boys over 13 to play an active role in the service. In the Reform/Conservative world, after the B'nai Mitzvah, the child is unlikely to get another Aliyah for 25 years, perhaps 30... I'm pretty sure plenty of people I know had an Aliyah for their Bar/Bat Mitzvah, their younger siblings (maybe), and then next will be for their kids...
In contrast, the "teen minyan" is led by the teenagers, with them reading Torah, Haftorah, and leading the service, Bar Mitzvah creates a transition to that.
That's religious theatre, not assuming adulthood.
The Orthodox Bat Mitzvah is basically a premature coming of age party, since the non-Orthodox have made this a significant celebration, it's been borrowed, but it's an odd fit.
12 vs 13 makes for a very different dynamic, that extra year makes the girls far more likely to be "becoming a woman" and defining themselves that way.
I also think the Orthodox world needs to figure out what sort of role they expect women to play. In the Christian communities, women tend to play a lead role in the charity and community service role. In the Orthodox world, those roles tend to be increasingly organized as 501(c)3s (or non-registered charities) whose primary purpose seems to be to employ the Rabbi that nominally heads it, and his Rebbetzen that administrates it.
Basically, the celebration should be about assuming adulthood. Orthodox men assume adulthood with ritual responsibility. Non-Orthodox men and women don't assume any sort of religious adulthood until their kids start Hebrew School. Orthodox women seem to assume adulthood with the birth of their children, which isn't something that can (or should) be done at 12, which makes the Orthodox Bat Mitzvah a silly ritual.
Now, if we actually expected women to show leadership in charitable organizations (instead of keeping house and maybe working to pay tuition), you could use this as a chance to highlight that, perhaps a Bat Mitzvah project where they learn to become adult members of the community.
But Orthodoxy has pushed for birthrates at all else, and institutionalized things which used to be part of Jewish civic society, which has crowded out roles outside of family, ritual, and financial for laity.
I think that learning to read Torah is a great way to mark a milestone, if we now expect you to take a turn reading Torah. If you are memorizing a small Maftir and then never reading Torah again, it seems like a pointless ritual that means nothing and is overshadowed by the Gala party.
"The Orthodox Bat Mitzvah is basically a premature coming of age party . . .
12 vs 13 makes for a very different dynamic, that extra year makes the girls far more likely to be "becoming a woman" and defining themselves that way."
Don't blame the Bat Mitzvah girls and/or their parents for that. It was the rabbis of old (CHAZAL?] who declared girls to be responsible for observing the commandments from the age of 12.
"Basically, the celebration should be about assuming adulthood. Orthodox men assume adulthood with ritual responsibility."
True.
"Non-Orthodox men and women don't assume any sort of religious adulthood until their kids start Hebrew School."
Too often true, I'm sorry to say, but not universally true.
"Orthodox women seem to assume adulthood with the birth of their children . . ."
This, of course, has been one of my observations all along--the Orthodox world, as currently constituted, seems to have very little room for childless women, and seems to treat a childless woman as if she were still a child herself. It's not for nothing that I've heard an Orthodox co-worker say that she still considers herself a girl even though she's over 30, and will continue to consider herself a girl until she's married.
In my opinion, it may very well be precisely *because* "Orthodoxy has pushed for birthrates at all else, and institutionalized things which used to be part of Jewish civic society, which has crowded out roles outside of family, ritual, and financial for laity" that the Orthodox Bat Mitzvah celebration seem to be "a silly ritual." If a Jewish female has no way to "become an adult" other than by having children, then clearly a 12-year-old doesn't qualify. But that means that there's something wrong with the Orthodox community's definition of female adulthood, not with the Bat Mitzvah celebration. If Chazal thought that a 12-year-old girl was a Jewish adult, why doesn't the Orthodox community of today think that way? Why is responsibility for observing the mitzvot the definition of Bar Mitzvah but not of Bat Mitzvah? Isn't becoming responsible for observing the mitzvot what the term Bar/Bat Mitzvah actually means?
I have always been offended by the candle lighting ceremony. It doesn't make sense to celebrate being old enough to be obligated to mitzvahs by breaking Shabbat!
My (non-Orthodox) grandmother used to say, "If you are going to break Shabbos, break Shabbos; but don't break Shabbos BECAUSE it's Shabbos."
Shira, who says that the Orthodox today don't recognize a 12 year old girl as a halachic adult? Most O people mark a girls bat mitzvah in someway. For the most part, it is the the Conservative and Reform who have done away the notion of a bat mitzvah as the age of obligation. This is because, with some exceptions, this is not the beginning of a lifetime of mitzvah observance, and also because the focus so much on synagogue ritual as opposed to living a total Jewish life, they make the bat mitzvah 13 instead of 12 becuase it "wouldn't be fair for the girl to get one less year to prepare for her haftorah."
I agree regarding the candles. I consider it highly inappropiate, not to mention logically inconsistent, to celebrate becoming responsible for obeying the mitzvot (commandents) by violating one of them!
Anon., perhaps the problem is one of perception.
In the Orthodox community, there is limited visibility in the shift of roles for a Bat Mitzvah girl. The Bar Mitzvah boy assumes responsibility for wearing tefillin (and, in some communities, the over-the-clothing tallit gadol in addition to the under-the-clothing tallit katan) and being present to pray, and be counted in, a minyan. By contrast, the Orthodox Bat Mitzvah girl does little more *publicly* *after* becoming a Bat Mitzvah than she was doing *privately* (such as praying or reciting tehillim/psalms) *before* becoming a Bat Mitzvah.
You are, in many cases, correct that "For the most part, it is the the Conservative and Reform who have done away the notion of a bat mitzvah as the age of obligation. This is because, with some exceptions, this is not the beginning of a lifetime of mitzvah observance, and also because the focus so much on synagogue ritual as opposed to living a total Jewish life," However, *because* the focus is on shul ritual, the girls are expected to meet the same public-ritual standards (and obligations, insofar as we non-Orthodox "enforce" them) as the boys. So a non-Orthodox Bat Mitzvah can show up for morning minyan the next day and be counted.
Yes, the Conservative girl can show up the next day and be counted, but how many bother? Even more so, how C women (or men for that matter) ever bother Davening when not in shul? The Orthodox 12 year old might not be counted in a minyan, but she has learned that Davening is an obligation, and she will continue to Daven every day in shul or not for the rest of her life, as well as lighting Shabbos candles, keeping kosher, etc. Unless the Conservative movement can publicly regain the idea of mitzvot as obligatory it's days are numbered.
" Unless the Conservative movement can publicly regain the idea of mitzvot as obligatory it's days are numbered."
Al and Larry had a few choice words to say about Conservative observance (or the lack thereof).
I'm certainly not the most observant Conservative Jew in the world, but I'm also not the least. The range of acceptance of the obligatory nature of the mitzvot/commandments varies quite significantly among Conservative Jews. This does create challenges for those of us who would prefer to at least *try* to be observant. Only time will tell whether our frequent lack of commitment to halahah/Jewish religious law will kill the Conservative Movement, but, from what I've seen in recent years, I'm not very optimistic.
In the non-O world, a B-Mitzvah is a graduation, not a beginning. Having spent the last 3-4 years of your life in Hebrew school, you have now graduated, and can spend time on tennis, soccer, violin, and all the other extra-curricular pursuits that will get you into a great college. Your Jewish life will largely be a reflection of your family's Jewish life. If they attend shul, you will. If they have Shabbat dinner, you will. But personal ritual isn't a big feature of C and R life.
In the O world, btw, most Bar Mitzvah boys also basically mark a graduation. Sure, now when davening begins they'll put on teffilin, and yes, they are counted in a minyan, but practically speaking, for most boys, they will not read torah or lead davening, nor will they be the 10th man in a minyan very often. And girls... well, being a Bat Mitzvah in the O world has roughly zero practical application.
What may be true across the denominations, and my serve as the better lens for considering B Mtizvah, is that it's an opportunity for families and teens to think about identity, adulthood, and the beginning of a decade-long period of transition. There are different ways to approach that transition, but in all cases, we honor the potential of this emerging adult, we emphasize the community and membership as both a privlege and a responsibility, and we honor the idea of growth by the acquiring of a new skill, even if it's not so proactical. The B Mitzvah is a ritual, not a practicum.
"In the non-O world, a B-Mitzvah is a graduation, not a beginning."
A graduation is supposed to be not only the culmination of a period of study, but also the beginning of putting what one has learned to good use. More's the pity that the non-Ortho B. Mitzvah celebration is more often seen as an end to one's Jewish life rather than a beginning.
"In the O world, btw, most Bar Mitzvah boys also basically mark a graduation. Sure, now when davening begins they'll put on teffilin, and yes, they are counted in a minyan, but . . ."
Why "but"? The whole point of graduation is that one is now declared qualified to do things that one wasn't considered qualified to do before. In tough economic times, a person with a degree in engineering may take a job as an electrician because that's what's available, but that individual still has a degree in engineering, and is qualified to seek a job as an engineer when the economy improves. Just because the Bar Mitzah boy doesn leyn Torah or lead a service for a few years after the "big day" doesn't mean that he might not come back to reading or leading at a later date.
"And girls... well, being a Bat Mitzvah in the O world has roughly zero practical application.
As Miami Al said, "Orthodox men assume adulthood with ritual responsibility." [". . . they'll put on teffilin, and yes, they are counted in a minyan . . ."]
. . .
"Orthodox women seem to assume adulthood with the birth of their children . . . "
Orthodoxy has pushed for birthrates at all else, and institutionalized things which used to be part of Jewish civic society, which has crowded out roles outside of family, ritual, and financial for laity."
This, essentially, leaves no role for women other than ". . . . keeping house and maybe working to pay tuition . . ."
So, as you said, "Bat Mitzvah in the O world has roughly zero practical application" because the Orthodox Bat Mitzvah doesn't "graduate"--unless my understanding is incorrect, an Ortho Bat Mitzvah is not qualified to do anything more the day *after* becoming a Bat Mitzvah than she was qualified to do the day *before.*
Miami Al said, " . . . the Orthodox world needs to figure out what sort of role they expect women to play." I'll take his premise and raise him one--they also have to figure out what sort of role they expect teenage girls, not to mention specific segments of the adult female contingent such as unmarried, childless, and empty-nester women, to play. Failing in that, the Ortho world may leave a large portion of their own people feeling like outsiders who have little to contribute.
By way of example, one of my female and single Orthodox co-workers has been known to complain about long summer Shabbatot because she has nothing to do but read or sleep. Are the the synagogues in her neighborhood so accustomed to women staying home with the kids that women without children don't feel welcome there? Simchat Torah might be another example--an Orthodox single woman once explained to me that a woman who's not living with her parents and has neither a husband nor children has no one to watch during the hakafot and might as well stay home.
Shouldn't there be an Orthodox Jewish version of "Girls just wanna have fun?" Is it truly necessary for single and/or childless Orthodox women to feel that Oneg Shabbat and Simchat Yom Tov are only for families?
Well, in terms of female singles, the Orthodox communities desire for high birthrates means that one treats single women as basically pre-married people, so the entire emphasis is going to be on getting married and starting a family. Whether this is good or bad, "it is what it is."
As we discussed before with gender roles, any effort to elevate single women with additional roles with ANY honor would essentially recreate the problem that non-Orthodox Judaism found, you lower the spirituality of women upon child bearing, which discourages birthrates, which is not going along with the "lots of kids" mantra.
Realistically, if we are going to discourage strong careers for women (and having kids in your early 20s mostly precludes having a serious professional career, the professional tracks were built around single men putting in long hours for 2-8 years before moving into managerial ranks where one has more flexibility, so while they are "open" to women, they are only "open" to women willing to live like men, which has a biological problem... men can go like gangbusters, settle down and start a family at 35 with a slightly younger wife and be fine, women don't have that option), creates a social dynamic.
Teenage girls from 12-22 are basically women in training (same for men, but the track for men seems established and functional). Women in their 20s and early 30s are going to be bogged down with small children. That means that women in their late 30s and 40s are going to be the crux of your female power workforce, and what role should they play.
Historically, in upper class American society, pre-feminism, women WERE college educated, not expected to be independent career minded individuals, and were expected to focus on home and community. The labor of women, while uncompensated, provided the backbone of civil society.
You'd basically have older women running society functions, charity organizations, etc. Younger women, pre-children, might get involved in those organizations, dial-back during their late 20s and early 30s, then re-emerge for the leadership positions.
Growing up, my Reform Temple Sisterhood, basically ran the place, fundraising, organizing everything, etc. There nominally was a brotherhood/men's club, they'd do a baseball outing in the Spring (Miami didn't have professional baseball when I was a kid, so Spring Training was exciting), a deep sea fishing trip, etc., but not the organizational leadership, that was left to the women.
The Sisterhood in my Orthodox Shul is simply NOT that essential. Then again, there are two Rabbis and a full-time office staff, not a Rabbi and a secretary. My parent's Temple had the President of the Synagogue (historically male and a figurehead, though more recently women had held that role) and the President of the Sisterhood, really the leader of the Temple. I think that the President being male was NOT ritually related, Reform has been quite egalitarian my entire life, but mostly because women that got involved donated time and ran the sisterhood, while the President was mostly honorary and held by a donor family's male spouse. I'm sure the President had some responsibilities, but I knew several of both positions growing up, and the men were busy doctors/lawyers, and the women were intelligent, educated women that were stay at home spouses.
One of the direct benefits of feminism is that women are compensated for their time and effort. One of the negative side effects of this is that civil society was highly dependent on the uncompensated labors of intelligent, educated women.
There is a reason that the Junior League saw itself as a "bulwark against socialism." American civil society provided many of the benefits that are now provided by the government.
The Federation System and JCCs are the legacy of Jewish civil society. Orthodoxy has retreated from American Jewish life, and built many parallel institutions, but no parallel Jewish civil society.
Rambling post aside, I think that if Orthodoxy built a civil society with the underemployed women, let by the post-child rearing set, you'd have an avenue for women to get involved pre-children, and create a natural training ground for B'not Mitzvah. Girls would expect to move from more religious training (Bat Mitzvah class) into joining their mother and other community women in civil society, while boys become B'nai Mitzvah and are expected to join the men in the ritual community.
"One of the direct benefits of feminism is that women are compensated for their time and effort. One of the negative side effects of this is that civil society was highly dependent on the uncompensated labors of intelligent, educated women.
. . . American civil society provided many of the benefits that are now provided by the government."
True.
" . . . I think that if Orthodoxy built a civil society with the underemployed women, let by the post-child rearing set, you'd have an avenue for women to get involved pre-children, and create a natural training ground for B'not Mitzvah.
Probably also true, but problematic--if the shul staff has replaced the Sisterhood and the Federation charity system and Jewish Community Centers have replaced Jewish civil society, what's left? The only thing I can think of is Bikur Cholim/visiting the sick, for which I've heard that the women of the Satmar chassidic community deserve much credit. Even providing kosher food for the Jewish poor and/or shut-ins is handled largely by Federation-affilated groups. Any suggestions?
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